Oh, the drama!

Everyone that I have talked to has told me that part of being a breast cancer survivor is the psychosis that goes with it.  You have a headache two days in a row and your mind immediately starts to think, 'what if I have a brain tumor?'  You forget things and your mind goes to the same thing.  Any time, there is an ache that you haven't noticed before, you start to wonder if this is the time that your cancer has come back.  I really don't know that I can fully explain it all, because in some ways, to understand you have to have lived it.  More days and more moments than I really like to admit, my thoughts go to wondering when and where my cancer may return.  I hesitate sharing some of this because I never want people to think that I am not trusting God's healing and protection or that I am ungrateful for what He has already done for me.  When I have moments of fear, I immediately begin reminding myself of Scripture and assuring myself that even if my cancer does come back, that it is okay.    So, anytime that I notice something unusual or have some unexplained pain, I normally will give myself a time frame before getting worried.  If by this time tomorrow, I have been feeling this headache constantly, then I might let myself get concerned.  Or when that time comes, I will try to think, 'has this really been bothering me or am I just imagining it?'  Well, over the weekend, my scar has been bothering me.  Rational Becky is saying,'it's scar tissue, the weather is changing, etc., but if it keeps bothering me, then, I might call the doctor on Monday.'  The irrational Becky is saying, 'oh my goodness, everything I have read says that often breast cancer recurs at the scar site, what does this mean?  you are being insane, it's nothing, but what if I wait and then it turns out to be something, I am going to feel horrible then.'  Yes, those are the shortened versions of the very long run-on sentences in my head!  So, the discomfort at my scar line combined with a weird blood blisterish red spots around my scar did lead me to call the doctor yesterday and I went in today to see him.  He really isn't sure what is going on, but he spent a lot of time looking and feeling to see if he could feel any changes.  He reassured me that he is not worried, but did give me some medication to treat it like dermatitis and I will go back to see him next week to see if it is better and we will go from there.  So, we are home now and I am sitting here thinking about all the drama in my life.  While I am confident that it is nothing, I can't really stop the nagging thoughts that never fail to come that say, but it might not be.  So, we wait, we keep living our lives, knowing that God is still in control and we are safe in His arms no matter what.

Comments

LaCombe said…
Becky, I can just imagine what does go through your mind every time something new appears, and I feel for you. I will Pray for you as I do Daily, but more so now, and please keep us posted, but I am sure the doctor would not have sent you home if he thought it could be something bad, so let God have this and enjoy your week. He is in control and Loves you and has his hands on you healing you constantly. I send my Love and Prayers, Kathy
Amy said…
I'm praying for you, Becky!
The Morgans said…
A few thoughts came to mind as I read . . .
The words from an old hymn, "Oh the deep, deep
love of Jesus" and from "Just as I Am" vs. 3-
Just as I am tho tossed about with many a conflict, many a doubt, fightings and fears withinm with out, O Lamb of God, I come!

Praying you will be filled with His goodness and lost in His Love over the next day,
April

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