The thing about trusting
I have been kind of quiet on the blog front the last few days because I have been doing a lot of thinking about trusting. I don't know if there is anyone who reads this blog who doesn't read my sister's more interesting and regularly-posted-to blog, but if you don't, she received some tests results this last week that has resulted in a referral to a gynecologic oncologist. As you can imagine, in any family, this creates worry and concern. In our family, it has done the same. And as one who has waited this 'wait'--of not really knowing anything but trying to hope for the best while fearing the worst-- my heart has questioned and struggled and ached because it isn't a 'wait' that I want anyone to have to face and especially not my sister. I have often thought/worried about some future time when I may face recurrence, and to be honest, it doesn't really frighten me, because I trust God. I know that He is good, that He is faithful, that even when I don't understand, that I can trust Him. But, this weekend, what I have discovered is something probably everyone around me discovered when I was the one facing cancer and that is 'the thing about trusting' is that it is often much easier to trust for myself, than it is to trust for my sister/daughter/spouse/loved one. Does that make sense? It is easier to accept that He is allowing me to go through something difficult than someone else that I care about. I can be okay with it for me, but it is much more of a leap to be 'okay' with someone I love to having to face a difficult battle. And so over and over again this weekend, I have been reminding myself of the verses that helped sustain me through difficult days and asking myself whether I could trust that those same truths were true for my sister, just like they were true for me.
Bless the Lord, oh my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name.
Bless the Lord, oh my soul, and forget none of His benefits.
Who pardons all your iniquities, who heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion;
who satisfies your years with good things,
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle.
O Lord, you are my God, I will exalt You, I will give thanks to Your name,
for You have worked wonders, plans formed long ago with perfect faithfulness. Is. 25:1
At the end of the day, I choose to trust. I beseech the Lord with all that is in me, that it isn't cancer that my sister faces, but we will praise Him no matter what. Because He is faithful. He is good. He loves us. He has a plan. And He takes what is broken and ugly and He transfigures it into something that can be used to glorify Him.