Hope

Don't fall out of your chairs. I am posting for the THIRD time this week.  Yes, I know that this all but ensures that I will not be posting for the next two weeks, but let's just pretend that that won't happen.  I have been thrown off my game all day today feeling like it is Saturday because the boys were out of school for parent teacher conferences and Micah was home all day (and actually didn't have to work last night).  I went to the boys' conference, did some office work, laundry, and ended the day taking dinner to a friend who is going through chemotherapy.  The exciting thing about this though is that tomorrow is actually Saturday and we have the day to ourselves without even a soccer game.

The real reason for this post is to share about something very very cool.  For a long time, my favorite digital scrapbooking store has been the Lilypad.  I feel extremely fortunate that I have been on the creative teams of several designers there and for the last several months, I have been on the creative team for the store.  The designers and scrapbookers that hang out there are some really amazing people and last week when my sister forwarded me an email from a designer, I was reminded again of that fact.  The designers got together and designed a collaboration kit called Hope in honor of Melissa.  When she sent me the email with the preview of the kit, every time I would come back and look at it, it would bring tears to my eyes for a lot of different reasons--it is just beautiful, the spirit that it captures, because it is for my sister, and that these extremely talented women gave of their time and talents for someone they have never met, but who is very special to them.


Earlier this week, I knew I wanted to scrap with it and I knew that I wanted to use it to scrap a page about Melissa and her diagnosis and I sat down and actually did the journaling first and then built my page around it.  I love that one of the designers (CD Muckosky) gives titles to her background papers that she designs, and the one that I used for this page is called A Downpour of Prayers.  I couldn't recommend the kit more to all my scrapbooking friends, it is beautiful and it is for a great cause!

Here is my page:
Journaling:
This wasn't supposed to happen.
 
You were supposed to be safe.

I will never forget those days after my diagnosis as we waited for your  genetic test results and Elizabeth's to come back in.  I prayed so hard, begging God to spare you both, asking for you not to carry this burden.  It was negative--big sigh of relief and thanks to God.
 
You were supposed to be safe. 

That night in March as the boys and I drove through the night, I asked God, I prayed, I begged, "please don't let it be, don't let it be."  During your surgery as the hours ticked by each of us getting increasingly nervous, still we prayed, still we asked, and we pleaded....don't let it be, please, God, don't let it be. 

And yet, somehow, you weren't safe, and the one thing that I would never want to share with you, in an instant, we shared.  I think that only one who has carried the burden herself can really know the grief of hearing that a sister is diagnosed with cancer, of knowing just a portion of what she will face, the demons that are sure to settle into the back of her mind.
 
It's different on this side of things and I don't like it.  If I could, I would take it from you ten times over and yet, now my heart knows what it would be like for you to watch and I don't know that I could turn that hurt over to you either. 

Safety, like so many things, is all about perspective, and you ARE safe.  I confess to worrying that it may not be the 'safe' that I want, but I know that you are safe, you are held, you are choosing joy, you are shining as a bright light and I am proud of you, of the way you are fighting, and yet will always always mourn that we (as sisters) have shared more than sisters should ever have to share.

Comments

Beautiful. Melissa is so blessed to have you.
Amy said…
Oh, Becky! The page is beautiful and the journaling leaves me in tears. It so beautifully express your heart and the pain you have felt through all of this. I love you, my friend!
listgirl said…
Oh Becky! I read the journaling on this page and just teared up. I'm so thankful that God's definition of "safe" is so much bigger than ours.
Christine said…
This is absolutely beautiful!

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